The lonely

Day

The future we missed,
gave way,
to another one.
And no-body understands.
Be a man!
and straighten, right up
but I've tried,
A man is suppose to cry.
When he's spose' to,
cause tho you linger on,
I stay strong (move on! move on!)
That's what the crowd say,
with thoughts of you,
and the kids we never knew.
I still see you as that little girl, posing.

Night

The pain on every breathe,
that I make love to,
is a severed nerve,
that's turned into, feeling.
A friend,
a reminder of you.
It's all I have now
The nights, they're lonely,
the smiles, they're homely,
and everything is kind of, on mute.
It's good material, a broken heart,
the problem is, the running.
From dawn to dusk, I try,
to never be standing still.
But at night, there's only the glowing,
the illumination of you.
"She's a good girl",
and she deserve a good man.
I did all that I can,
knowing all that I did.
But if I could keep it hid,
and store you for a bid,
I'd put you number one,
but that weights a ton,

And even then, would we survive?

Unfinished Cat Lady

And i think ive died many times,
in my dreams.
screaming,
screaming,
screaming,
till mourn-ing come.

the modern man wants to be alone,
the modern man wants to have a home
the modern is left twisting, into pieces.

and then i think about her,
on that second floor,
a cat lady,
Pussy. in all its evading forms.
and i think about what shes given up.
a family, a first love, a home
to do coke in flatiron,
and rub elbows with the big wigs
and go down on the Taye diggs.
single. white. female.

 And I wish we could all be like it was in the morning  Beautiful calm serene,
 A little pleasure for a little pain
 A  Little vulnerability to feel
 I'll take that deal

Mercy

Blood on my hands,
and it's all my fault,
she waited at the door
knowing
I was always late.
I had to kill her!
scrutinizing the cracks,
in her paint.
I've been premeditating it,
for a while now.
"But wait", they said,
"you're getting older", they said,
and everyone needs to come home,
to a smile.
I threw caution to the wind,
and committed the great sin,
now the lady is free,
for a while.
She spinned and spinned
and to my great grin,
my guilt overcame, my beguile.

"Don't you cry?...don't the tears drop from your eye?"
"No" I said, "the pain sits in my veins, for a while"

I did not stab her from the front,
face to face, eye to eye,
I do not have, the stomach.
It was a slow drip of neglect
and pretend;
as her mouth watered,
mine dried,
and I drained her, of liberty.
Even at the end,
she shared,
Everything.
I had no choice,
but to oblige

Ride Along Sally

Ride along, ride along, ride along Sally,
coulda been any bar but I met you at Omalley's.

Sing along, sing along, sing along, say,
woke up this morning and thought of you today.

Brute along, brute along, brute along bruisers,
Couldn't say Malteezers so you called'em Maltoozas.

Bring along, bring along, bring along, spring
tho summer is the season that I saw you in.

I like your leather jacket,
your sense of 'malice,
fed me tacos and weed,
in your spanish Harlem 'palace
"Oh Alice"!
Heal me with your holy water,
The forgotten stories of a last daughter.

In Apt 2G we laid it bare,
And everything else was just, "out there".

Your tiny boots at the door,
our sweaty clothes on the floor

We had the love affair of a lifetime,
if only, it was the right time...

Drop kick haiku: "You"

Bare, the thought, just to have you
Would be something new
Haunted, you, its always been.

The sea

The sea of time,
it races past, o' none of this,
could e'er last.
The way it goes,
beneath your feet,
sometimes to a measure,
sometimes to a beat.
The way you spend,
will make amend,
for when you go,
it is time you know,
False.

The God Together

The God together, the god together,
take me through this unholy ledger,
The God together, the God together,
give me something that gets much better,
The god together, the god together,
Let me live like there is forever,
The God together, the God together,
let me live free as the may weather,
The God together, the God together,
give me my heart, my soul, my tether.
help me create, a thing much better,
help me give up, the soul, the sledger.

8/15/15

The thing about Insomnia is that it's not a choice. It's dying, slowly, and you're the only one there to watch. Sometimes you can smell the chlorine of the something killing your brain cells. You have to take days off because somedays your brain simply doesn't work. Like you can't access any information. It's just a big cloud above your head. You can literally feel the matter going grey and dying. like it's suffocating. I usually find that when that happens you can hear a steady ringing in your ear. Though that could be just the shooting range. who knows, I certainly don't I can't even use mine. The sweet thing, from nature or god, or whatever you call it. Is that the sensitivity seems to die the soonest. For example, you can feel stressed and know that your brain is filling up with whatever that thing is, yet where there use to be a headache is simply a cloud. A sign that while the destruction is going on you can really only imagine what that feels like. I mean the feeling is faint but nothing like it use to be. Obviously some sensitivity had died and your organism can continue to die in a sense of numbness. The problem is then you start worrying about that. About the fact that there's no pain where they use to be so you know that you're getting really bad, or just worse. Sometimes you create it even when it's not there, just cause you're so use to having it. It makes you wonder about philosophy and religion and science and all that stuff. I mean if buddhism preaches about the truth that you are when nothing is left then what about feeling. Can one feel numbness, is numbness a feeling or lack of feeling. I mean if all we are is our brain really then who are you when you're brain dies. I mean it's dead but it lives. I wonder if people in acoma feel. I mean I heard they dream, so do they feel in their dreams you know. Like if they're in a nightmare do they feel fear? what mental process does a person need to feel. Is it all in one's head. Is feeling an idea. is this whole world an idea. who knows, maybe existence.

But back to buddhism, I mean during meditation, there is a feeling, I wouldn't describe meditation as lack of feeling. Maybe I'm doing it wrong but not in my experience. But when my brain goes away I don't feel like meditation, I feel like numb. So if I study the thing that never goes then should I be able to meditate in a state of numb. But mediation is just the vehicle right. The finger that points to the truth. Is the truth numb. I think maybe the truth is devoid of feeling. Actually the truth must be feeling and non feeling. I mean if it's always pervasive through things that change then it is there always...right? I must find the constant in all things. But then who is the me that finds this. It certainly couldn't be my personality, I know that changes with my brain. Can a human being access it...I mean you already are it, but can you know it or feel it. All you can do is be...right. I don't know...you guys let me know.

Why we stand

Why we stand

I am, a tree.

There are bigger trees;

higher branches,

darker woods,

deeper roots,

standing in stark beauty.

I am, a tree.

high branches,

dark woods,

deep roots;

standing in stark beauty,

(I) stand because I must,

(I) stand becase I am.

-Leonel

Random Thoughts: Meditations

Never make anything feel shameful or fearful about itself. Shame and fear are contagious and will eventually end up in your own house and in your own skin and the skin of your children. The microcosm affects the macrocosm.

Love is servitude. and then you realize that love doesn't exist, it's only the space, the silence, when  you live in that space, then all becomes love.

If you really look at fear, it doesn't exist, it's only the relationship the little you has to an image or thought, a thing.

-Rey

Random Thought

People say they want perfection, but they don't really want perfection.  True perfection is so meek and mild while entertainment flails.

-Rey

Save The Night

Save the night,
O' save the day,
for they both,
will pass away;
save the Jews,
save the Gents,
O' infinity,
where it all commence;
save the good,
save the bad,
don't spend time thinking,                                          
bout what you had;        
save the soul,
save the lover,
don't ever neglect, the feelings
of your brother;
save the apple,
save the core,
for without one,
the other is a bore;
save the black,
save the white,
different sides,

of the same damn fight.

-Rey

Kanye West goes on a proper RANT defending himself on Jimmy Kimmel

Journal Entry

So much crap is going on in my life right now its not even funny, well maybe there's some humor in it if you're not me.  I just got suspended from HJD for an undisclosed period of time with a possibility of termination.  Knowing how I feel about my supervisor one might say this is a good thing but there's still the taste of loss in my mouth.  I've been fighting for so long that I just can't take losing.  I know it was an uphill battle and I didn't stick with it all the way through but defeat is still hard.  No matter how expected it's still frustrating, an impotent rage..

Then there's this girl that I'm seeing; she's sort of a bad girl, she likes to take me to my edge, she talks real rude, she's embarrassed me, but for some reason I still hang with her.  She's young, very young (no not Woody Allen young) but not far off either, she's 19.  Yes, she's a teenager. I'm crazy, I know. Despite this fact, she's taken me to new heights in the bedroom and just dealing with her antics I feel has made me a stronger person.  I can actually speak sternly to people now; if you don't with this one she'll walk all over you and get you into all types of trouble.  So far we've had sex on the beach in the middle of December, don't worry it was a nice night, an invigorating experience that I encourage everyone to try (okay maybe not in December), and minus the tickets for parking on the side walk, and the warning for sexual acts in public, whoops.  When we get home it doesn't exactly slow down either, we have sex for hours on end and she seems insatiable. We play sexual games, I tie her up and we do things to each other than I've only ever heard about in rap songs. This chick is a true sex pot in every sense of the word, never met anyone like her...actually I might have, but at this point I would've fucked it up in the past; older and wiser shit finally kicked in I guess. The flip side is sometimes I just wanna shake the crap outta this girl.  Always talking back, stubborn as a freaking mule, I had to physically restrain her from taking a glass of bourbon out of my hand and proceeding to chug it, that's right, chug bourbon on the rocks, not even slick haired men, with cigars, and pinkie rings do that shit.  Now she wants to take Molly before the J.Cole concert she's going to in a few weeks and I'm thinking "okay bad idea", we've seen how she handles alcohol.

My sister seems to think there's a lesson here, some type of Zen habit I need to learn from this.  She says that if she annoys me or frustrates me that much then somehow my ego is getting involved.  She's been put in my life as a blessing in the form as a lesson, a chance for me to really use the tools I've acquired. What do you guys think about that?  Ever since she's told me that I've looked at the situation quite differently. I've notice now that she's beautiful, she really is, she just isn't who I initially wanted her to be and that's what pissed me off. I think maybe that's what pisses us off about many people, especially in intimate relationships, they're not who we want them to be, but that's okay, actually it's better than okay, because you've got a real live human being, not some concept you thought of in your head.  You've got someone evolving and growing just like you, and you should really appreciate them for who they are.  Get your ego outta there and realize that this person is a dynamic situation such as yourself who was put in the universe by the process of miracles upon miracles and by an all encompassing intelligence that far outreaches the limits of our limited minds. When you realize this then you can play and not take everything so personally and so rigidly.  For example, this chick literally just sent me a pic of a pair of knickers she just bought that says "I love cock." Now the old me would be tight about how indecent she was as I considered her "my girl" and I'd have thoughts about her using it with another man when I'm not around.  What I did this time however was I replied "Hahaha, typical you, can't wait till you get back So I can get a pic of you in them ;-)" and guess what? It worked babay! She had a very favorable response and I'm sure I will have those panties, as well as other things, in my mouth very shortly.  Why? because I stopped trying to make her into a good girl and appreciate her for the sexual poetry that she is.  Is it gonna last? I don't know. Will she cheat on me when her urges get too crazy? Maybe. But I'm not worrying about that, I'm gonna have the best, kinkiest sex I can have with this girl and not look down upon her for it. Come at it from a place of love instead of a place of anger.  She's perfect, exactly as she is, at this exact time of her life, and so am I.  So we should unite our perfect selves at this perfect time with some less than perfect intentions!

They're qualities that I can't see now that are building blocks for a long term relationship, but I'm not gonna put that on her.  I'll take it for what it's worth and enjoy it for what it's worth.  Thanks so much for listening y'all.  Hope this helps B-)

-Rey

Scott Matthew - Sinking (scenes from Five Dances)

Random thoughts

Laziness is a sin that is not forgiven.

"If you love life, don't waste time, for time is what life is made up of".

-Bruce Lee

Jiddu Krishnamurti: In The Present Is The Whole Of Time :-)

Meditations 7: David Deida

Prologue: Hey everyone I'm baccckkkk!!! This meditation is the first one in a while as I have been very busy getting caught up in the world and all its challenges.  I'm spending time with a certain girl and also I've been going through a lot of emotionally overwhelming situations.  So I've failed, succeeded, been broken, built back up and started all over from scratch, all in the short time since I've spoken to you guys lol. but this is not a journal but a meditation here, so let's get into it folks.

Walking meditation: 10 mins,  pretty good, not much thoughts

This mediation was pretty good considering I haven't done purposeful walking meditation in a little while. I'm a bit negligent with commitment :-x.  Not too many thoughts actually I got to it quite clearly after a few early spider webs.  The feeling was just one of general clarity, not overwhelmingly transparent, not gritty to the point where I was definitely stuck in New York where you can almost taste the city streets; just pretty good, middle ground.  I started observing life, the way we live as people, how we think it's so important but really we just come and go as anything else.  I started thinking about the billions and billions of people that have done exactly the same as us before, the people that have grown old, fell in love, gone to school, suffered, prayed, and how none of them made it out alive, how's it's all the same end really, end of human form anyway.  I then started to observe myself and the relationships I'm in in my life and how they too will pass and without observation you believe you're getting into something special that no one has ever been in before, that no one can really understand, but under observation we can see that that's not true, we can see all forms rise and fall. Yes, no one will ever do it exactly as you do, but I'm quite sure the motivations are the same and have been done before...maybe.

> Okay now I have a complete contrary notion.  I was taking the bus the other day and while looking through the window I saw a mother scoop up her child and swing him into the air looking up at him between her strong arms.  They smiled at each other, but with a smile so deep that I recognized it instantly, not blatantly but with the shallow wave of knowing.  I recognize that smile from the inside, I was that boy at one point, I experienced that smile, but it was from the inside, it was between me and my mother.  And I realized then how real life almost slips by you, how maybe no one else on the bus realized that but me, how each head is it's own world but inside we're all the same. I realized how a simple gesture like that can mean nothing to someone on the outside but everything between a boy and his mother, and how like me he may never forget that experience for the rest of his life. Life's pretty amazing.<

But back to my meditation, so while I was going up my Arunchula hill I saw a piece of ice on the side of the road, it was a bit jagged yet smooth, almost like it was stretching like a Henri Matisse cut outs from that great artist.  So I picked it up and started to examine it, well not examine it really but more like observe it.  It was beautiful, but only in the sense that it was perfectly itself. It was so itself that I decided to taste it just to see what it was like; being so perfect and all, kind of like women like men that are perfectly themselves, or people like anything really.  So I tasted it, and it was salty, probably from the street salting, not very healthy I know, but I kind of felt like a scientist after, you know the way children must feel if they knew what a scientist was at that lol.

Sitting:  27 minutes, good, can't remember much thoughts

I definitely had something for my sitting meditation but I can't really remember it. I just remember a peaceful calming, an inner acceptance....this is in between scattered thoughts of course but there was definitely periods of break through.  You see the thing is in my head, while I'm meditating, everything is fine.  But once a form arrives I just lose it all and go into a strange panic, it's a bit nutso but it brings me to my next point.  I feel that eventually my whole life should be a mediation.  That was the realization I came to, that eventually the naturalness of this life is to be at meditation, after all the falsities are observed and overstood that we will realize being and the observation of form.  But how do we get there? how do we possibly dance with Samsara instead of being devoured by it.  I say it's training, the same way we were trained or seduced by form? We must train from the inside out and outside in to be free with it, not of it but with it.  David Deida says there's two ways to live with this world in freedom, either to abstain from worldly pleasures and become a monk and go away, or fuck the world to smithereens, every moment in extreme advancement.  Sometimes I'm not sure which side I'm on, it's difficult.  Anyway I'll return to this in my next Journal (I hope), thanks everyone for tuning in.

-Namaste

Meditations: Part 6 (Walking meditations)

Prologue: Hey everyone this post is going to be a collection of 2 days worth of walking meditations.  I haven't been receiving too many messages during my sitting, at least not strong ones, so I decided to get straight down to the meat of what I was trying to say...well as best as I can get straight down to anything.

Walking Meditation 1: 10 Mins, distracted, major break through

While doing my walking meditation something came over me. It seemed like it was shaping up to be one of those days with too many thoughts and not much of a break through but then something happened. I can't remember exactly what it was, maybe I missed a step, but something lead me to the feeling of terror.  I then started to think about the issue of terror, what it truly means to be terrified and what that entails.  The conclusion I came up with is that terror is the fear of what you saw as unimaginable coming to life.  Something so foreign to your daily way of life that to see it blows your mind.  It threatens something in a deep part of you, something you thought you were and could never lose; a false foundation. It's almost like falling, you expect the next step to be there so badly, but it's not, "This can't be happening!" I thought about why terror might arise, why do we experience terror? why do we get so rattled to our bones? why are we terrified?  Well one reason is that we have a false sense of self; this sense of self is very small and very comfortable to us.  We have a relationship with this self and it tells us "who we are" and our place in this world. We reinforce this false self everyday, going to work, meeting with friends, curling up to watch a movie, bowling on Fridays, or whatever feeds a routine train of thought.  But then things happen; someone close to us dies, a tsunami happens, your spouse leaves you for your best friend, you lose your career, you lose a limb, you're kidnapped; just something you deem unimaginable happens to you.  This is when you realize how small your preconceived notion of reality was, this is when you begin to break out of your head and your little life of possibilities.  You begin to realize that life is infinite, and that your small way of life is a very rare phenomenon actually.  Can you imagine what it will be like when aliens get here?  Now that will be terrifying, not knowing your world.  Realizing that we can never know anything, it's all forever coming and going, changing, stable in it's instability.  All life is swimming in and out to shore. Do not even attempt to know ones self, just be in the moment. To the man/woman who is still, all things return to them.

Walking meditation 2: 10 mins, slight distraction, break through at the end

When I walk I've kind of gotten into this kind of routine, this path that I walk on when I go on walkabout.  My whole circuit takes about 15 mins in general but because I know it so well I can circumvent blocks to tailor it to my needs. On this circuit there's a hill about halfway through that I love to walk up; but this time as I began to ascend the hill I began to think of it as the "holy" mountain Arunachala, and the Yogi Sri Ramana Ashram and how he lovingly said of he hill that his feet had touched every inch of it.  I began to think of the sensuality of this statement, of lovemaking, and how one can practice love making with anything.  All it is is paying attention and being aware of what you are doing, being present to an experience.  Is walking up a hill really any different than making love to a woman, if you really think about it. Isn't it just being aware of touch and the way things feel and then making the proper adjustments. I believe the problem is that we've identified so much with the thinking mind that we've lost touch with the things that are right in front of us, the small actions, making them a means to an end, the goal instead of the process.  We fuck to cum instead of concentrating on the fucking, we speak to get a point across instead of just enjoying the vibrations of sound, we've become a type A world, and will continue to do so I think.  Did you know some monks use a form of meditation by which they take one hour to drink a cup of tea? That's right, one, hour. The point of this exercise is to try and be present for every moment of the experience; no rushing, just experiencing every sip of tea from the putting to one's lips to the putting down on the table, and repeat.  I believe we should practice this during our love making, not just with our partners but to the world, truly feel what it's like to touch and be touched.

I applied this sort of sensuality to the hill, as I was walking up it to begin the walk back, it was beautiful. You never really know how your body feels and what it's like unless you stop and pay attention once in a while to notice the "smallest" things.  We are so overstimulated that we forget our bodies on a day to day basis.  There's so much information being exchanged and so many systems at work just to simply walk up a hill, but we forget that.  We forget our birthright for a pay check or some other cheap gratification.  I am not preaching here I am just making a profound observation that all of life is right under our nose, or in this case, our feet.

-Rey

~Namaste~

Journal Entry: The pursuit of happiness

Happiness, should it be the goal of life?  I know some Buddhist will disagree with me but really,  I don't think so.  I feel it's an emotion like any other emotion, no better, no worse.  Emotions are preceded by thought and the interpretations of these thoughts usually make an emotion good or bad.

I know some of you are probably thinking "Well of course happiness is the purpose of life why else are we here dickhead!", but I think all emotions should be experienced equally for exactly what they are, a beautiful experience, a gift for the human being.  I believe the purpose of our lives is not happiness but experience and conscious experience at that, some would even call it being.  To know that you know but to not try to control just be the moment in its most complete form.  I hate to be too fight club here but I think often times we try to steer our lives into "happiness" too much and not let the universe take control, let it take the wheel.  This often results in the opposite effect and in turn gives us more pain and suffering.

Now why would I say sorrow and suffering are just as good as happiness?  If anyone has every been through suffering, I mean some real stuff that you can't get away from, there's no where to escape to, then one would know that there's often God there.  What I mean is if anyone has ever said yes to pain and instead of trying to run from it, deal with it head on, make love to it, don't let it let you go, if you don't go crazy first then you will find that is quite beautiful and has so many points and crevice.  Taste the pain, it's salty like sea water, dark, encompassing, it makes your body hot, it burns through you like acid, it takes over and sits inside your soul to the point where you have to talk through it.  You are not really there yet it burns away self doubt, it's so real that it touches you to your core and everything you do has a certain reverence to it, a depth.  The problem is not pain or sorrow but the rejection of pain and sorrow.  In our society we are taught that we are meant to be happy and at all cost that is your goal.  Then we go about our conventional ways of receiving this, but that's neither here nor there, the point is that pain and suffering  and discomfort are seen as something to quickly get rid of, to trudge through, to discard as soon as possible.  I say yes and no to this.  Yes I would rather feel happy but at the same time these other emotions are definitely valid and equally as beautiful.  Often times we have to experience these in order to get to the "happiness" parts of our lives and what do we do till then just close our eyes and clinch our teeth? No, of course not, every moment is yours.  Instead I propose we enjoy it, yep you heard me, enjoy it. Settle in, take some deep breathes and just enjoy the ride, sit in it feel it, and when its done say thank you for the experience.  And the funny part is when you see it for what it is and stop running from it it's actually quite interesting, you're now beginning to live the full spectrum of life.

Now I know some are saying "but it's scientifically proven that your brain is no good on suffering."  Umm I haven't done the research but if I had to guess the stress is caused from the thought of suffering, not the suffering itself that's probably causing most of the damage.  Stress is the saying no of the emotion or event causing the emotion and I believe that's where the brain harm comes in.  As I said before the second you say yes to an emotion it becomes a whole different animal, cortisol levels lower and it becomes more of a full body experience rather than a mind evaluation of "this isn't what I want to happen." Now our society puts in these social conditioning of good and bad and goals and expectations, I understand this and I'm not asking you to become a Buddhist monk (unless you really want to and in that guess lemme know so I can come visit) just be more mindful of the situation and your live will be much richer. Stop thinking of how things are suppose to be and just let them be.

But what about physical pain and pleasure? There's got to be a reason why we take our hand off of a hot stove but coo when our lover touches us in the right spot.  Well I think they both have their place but again I think it's the mind association with sensation which maybe gets us in trouble.  For example if someone slaps us in the face sure it hurts but what really hurts the most is the feeling of being disrespected and embarrassed, am I right? The physical pain quickly passes but its the mental lingering that gets us in trouble.  Look at children or dogs when something happens they cry about it or express displeasure but before the tears are even dried or you can put down that news paper they're on to the activity; we can learn from them; express yourself, and then let it go. Physical pain has to happen either for us to learn from it or just for the simple fact that we have bodies.  Pleasure feels good and for the most part is good for you but even too much of this is harmful.  It can often create addiction, and addiction creates later on pain and dependency on a certain thing.  When this pleasure is taken away then we can often find ourselves frustrated and longing for the pleasure we once had.  Again, not good or bad just an experience to be understood.  Does anyone else feel me on this or am I just like the shape of my head, a nut?!