Journal Entry

So much crap is going on in my life right now its not even funny, well maybe there's some humor in it if you're not me.  I just got suspended from HJD for an undisclosed period of time with a possibility of termination.  Knowing how I feel about my supervisor one might say this is a good thing but there's still the taste of loss in my mouth.  I've been fighting for so long that I just can't take losing.  I know it was an uphill battle and I didn't stick with it all the way through but defeat is still hard.  No matter how expected it's still frustrating, an impotent rage..

Then there's this girl that I'm seeing; she's sort of a bad girl, she likes to take me to my edge, she talks real rude, she's embarrassed me, but for some reason I still hang with her.  She's young, very young (no not Woody Allen young) but not far off either, she's 19.  Yes, she's a teenager. I'm crazy, I know. Despite this fact, she's taken me to new heights in the bedroom and just dealing with her antics I feel has made me a stronger person.  I can actually speak sternly to people now; if you don't with this one she'll walk all over you and get you into all types of trouble.  So far we've had sex on the beach in the middle of December, don't worry it was a nice night, an invigorating experience that I encourage everyone to try (okay maybe not in December), and minus the tickets for parking on the side walk, and the warning for sexual acts in public, whoops.  When we get home it doesn't exactly slow down either, we have sex for hours on end and she seems insatiable. We play sexual games, I tie her up and we do things to each other than I've only ever heard about in rap songs. This chick is a true sex pot in every sense of the word, never met anyone like her...actually I might have, but at this point I would've fucked it up in the past; older and wiser shit finally kicked in I guess. The flip side is sometimes I just wanna shake the crap outta this girl.  Always talking back, stubborn as a freaking mule, I had to physically restrain her from taking a glass of bourbon out of my hand and proceeding to chug it, that's right, chug bourbon on the rocks, not even slick haired men, with cigars, and pinkie rings do that shit.  Now she wants to take Molly before the J.Cole concert she's going to in a few weeks and I'm thinking "okay bad idea", we've seen how she handles alcohol.

My sister seems to think there's a lesson here, some type of Zen habit I need to learn from this.  She says that if she annoys me or frustrates me that much then somehow my ego is getting involved.  She's been put in my life as a blessing in the form as a lesson, a chance for me to really use the tools I've acquired. What do you guys think about that?  Ever since she's told me that I've looked at the situation quite differently. I've notice now that she's beautiful, she really is, she just isn't who I initially wanted her to be and that's what pissed me off. I think maybe that's what pisses us off about many people, especially in intimate relationships, they're not who we want them to be, but that's okay, actually it's better than okay, because you've got a real live human being, not some concept you thought of in your head.  You've got someone evolving and growing just like you, and you should really appreciate them for who they are.  Get your ego outta there and realize that this person is a dynamic situation such as yourself who was put in the universe by the process of miracles upon miracles and by an all encompassing intelligence that far outreaches the limits of our limited minds. When you realize this then you can play and not take everything so personally and so rigidly.  For example, this chick literally just sent me a pic of a pair of knickers she just bought that says "I love cock." Now the old me would be tight about how indecent she was as I considered her "my girl" and I'd have thoughts about her using it with another man when I'm not around.  What I did this time however was I replied "Hahaha, typical you, can't wait till you get back So I can get a pic of you in them ;-)" and guess what? It worked babay! She had a very favorable response and I'm sure I will have those panties, as well as other things, in my mouth very shortly.  Why? because I stopped trying to make her into a good girl and appreciate her for the sexual poetry that she is.  Is it gonna last? I don't know. Will she cheat on me when her urges get too crazy? Maybe. But I'm not worrying about that, I'm gonna have the best, kinkiest sex I can have with this girl and not look down upon her for it. Come at it from a place of love instead of a place of anger.  She's perfect, exactly as she is, at this exact time of her life, and so am I.  So we should unite our perfect selves at this perfect time with some less than perfect intentions!

They're qualities that I can't see now that are building blocks for a long term relationship, but I'm not gonna put that on her.  I'll take it for what it's worth and enjoy it for what it's worth.  Thanks so much for listening y'all.  Hope this helps B-)

-Rey