8/15/15

The thing about Insomnia is that it's not a choice. It's dying, slowly, and you're the only one there to watch. Sometimes you can smell the chlorine of the something killing your brain cells. You have to take days off because somedays your brain simply doesn't work. Like you can't access any information. It's just a big cloud above your head. You can literally feel the matter going grey and dying. like it's suffocating. I usually find that when that happens you can hear a steady ringing in your ear. Though that could be just the shooting range. who knows, I certainly don't I can't even use mine. The sweet thing, from nature or god, or whatever you call it. Is that the sensitivity seems to die the soonest. For example, you can feel stressed and know that your brain is filling up with whatever that thing is, yet where there use to be a headache is simply a cloud. A sign that while the destruction is going on you can really only imagine what that feels like. I mean the feeling is faint but nothing like it use to be. Obviously some sensitivity had died and your organism can continue to die in a sense of numbness. The problem is then you start worrying about that. About the fact that there's no pain where they use to be so you know that you're getting really bad, or just worse. Sometimes you create it even when it's not there, just cause you're so use to having it. It makes you wonder about philosophy and religion and science and all that stuff. I mean if buddhism preaches about the truth that you are when nothing is left then what about feeling. Can one feel numbness, is numbness a feeling or lack of feeling. I mean if all we are is our brain really then who are you when you're brain dies. I mean it's dead but it lives. I wonder if people in acoma feel. I mean I heard they dream, so do they feel in their dreams you know. Like if they're in a nightmare do they feel fear? what mental process does a person need to feel. Is it all in one's head. Is feeling an idea. is this whole world an idea. who knows, maybe existence.

But back to buddhism, I mean during meditation, there is a feeling, I wouldn't describe meditation as lack of feeling. Maybe I'm doing it wrong but not in my experience. But when my brain goes away I don't feel like meditation, I feel like numb. So if I study the thing that never goes then should I be able to meditate in a state of numb. But mediation is just the vehicle right. The finger that points to the truth. Is the truth numb. I think maybe the truth is devoid of feeling. Actually the truth must be feeling and non feeling. I mean if it's always pervasive through things that change then it is there always...right? I must find the constant in all things. But then who is the me that finds this. It certainly couldn't be my personality, I know that changes with my brain. Can a human being access it...I mean you already are it, but can you know it or feel it. All you can do is be...right. I don't know...you guys let me know.