Journal entry

Entry 1

Today is a rough one.  Not on the outside, but on the in.  On the outside everything is fine, I'm about to start a new venture (for a change), I've met a gorgeous lady lately, and my health is one hundred percent as far as I know.  But there's something inside, there's something there, something very frustrating that I can't make sense of.  There's a pretty big decision coming up for me and I can't quite make a decision on it, the deadline is coming up soon so I don't have much time but there's just something that doesn't sit well with me. My energy which is usually pretty happy and lively has turned into a deep blank stare, it's gone a bit angry, a bit restless.  This decision make sense in my head, and will get me what I think I want in the physical realm, but something about the energy of it that just sits really heavy in my chest.
This decision involves a sort of indoctrination, a group you have to pledge extreme allegiance to. This group isn't bad in and of itself it's just that pledging your life to anything that isn't based on forever, on reality, is probably not a good idea, its probably false, it's not building your house on solid ground.  I over stand this, but still I fear I will get caught up in this way of thought seeing as the spiritual way is new for me.  I really feel the path I have is the truth and i wouldn't want anything getting in the way of it, it is my base purpose.
I could be all wrong however; not just in my ideas but also my perception of these people, maybe I don't know them on the deeper level, or maybe they've seen something that lets them know that their actions are the truth.  This is my dilemma, do I pay to take the peak and the chance or do I just keep it on the straight and narrow and wait for the next opportunity. Is it really even that big of a deal?

I guess I just don't want to lose my feelers, what lets me know what's right and what's true, through the physical bullshit, my third eye if you will.  But huge concrete slabs or prisons cannot keep the truth out, on the contrary, it is where the truth is most needed and realized.

Thanks for listening,


-Rey